Self sabotaging since 1993
I have done this all my life. I am brilliant at it – would almost call this an area of expertise. Every time I feel a hint of happiness, it doesn’t last long. I destroy it.
It has been on my mind for some time now. Why do I try to find reasons not to be happy? Why am I scared of happiness?
It usually goes like this: “Oh, this is a lovely day! I feel good. The world looks good. The food TASTES good. The people around me are awesome. Ahhh, what a wonderful life…
But. Wait. What about that random (not important) thing I was upset about last week? Was I really done being upset about that/ done thinking about it? Guess not. Well, then there is not really any point feeling happy now, is there? IS THERE? (Weird voice in my head being overly dramatic). We (me + weird voice in my head) obviously have some thinking to do so we can solve this problem and then be happy.”
WHY DO I DO THAT?
Why postpone happiness like that? I think a lot of us out there have a very bad habit of sabotaging ourselves in the worst possible ways. We blame society for putting too much pressure on us. We blame the people around us for not treating us well, but really we just put this on ourselves, don’t we? (Please tell me i’m not alone on this!).
I think my life would be a lot easier if I could stop finding excuses not to be genuinely happy with my life, because really I am one lucky person! I am grateful for all the travelling I’ve done, all the people I’ve met, all the amazing photographs I have taken of the beautiful planet we have.
So why do I care about the past, about not feeling certain about what I’m doing with my life? It really shouldn’t keep me from feeling happy, should it?
I’ve come to realize that in the end I am my own worst enemy. A hit man with my own happiness as an eternal target. So how do I turn it around? Well, that’s a good question. If I have the true answer I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?
So far I’ve learned that meditation is helping a lot. Laughing is helping a lot too. Talking to people I care about is really important. When I keep busy with things I like, hopefully one day I will stop finding time to find those reasons not to be happy. And then just feel happy.
PS please don’t be freaked out by “Weird Voice in My Head” – Larry does not actually exist 😉