Fight or flight

How much negativity can a person take before they snap? Before reaching the point where there is nothing left inside. I imagine that time comes when you can’t even see any good in any situation anymore. When you always expect bad over good. I know that I am not there. Yet at least.

I have been trying all my life to not be the kind of person that lets other people get to you. Let their words hurt you. Let their attitude shake you or simply just let their opinion of you make you feel insecure. But who am I kidding – as a sensitive person these things do get to me. Possibly even more than many other people. I get very affected by the mood or atmosphere in my surroundings. If that bad mood is also projected towards me, you can only imagine my shiver and inner panicking. This is the root for many over analyzed thoughts and unsaid words. Trying to predict other peoples next move to optimize the chance of satisfying them or make them like you better.
This is simply a way of survival.
There is a few people in my life whose negativity really gets to me. Really destroys my mood and put a shade on a normal, nice day. To let somebody else have that power over you is the most FRUSTRATING thing I can imagine. It makes me feel weak. And yet it is still obvious to me that nobody else is that important in your own life to have that kind of power over you. The power to basically destroy you with their negativity, bad mood, words.

I still stand up for myself. I know my worth and what kind of crap I should not take from other people. That still does not mean that the words and negativity does not crawl under my skin and stick there. Haunt me in the night. Bruise my already beaten confidence.
I am considering my options. Two basic instincts of the human being; fight or flight. Do I fight this battle, bring out my inner bitch and start playing dirty myself? Or do I simply find a way to escape these situations, these people, this aspects of my life. I haven’t snapped yet, I know that. But I am also not sure if there is that much energy left inside for any kind of fighting that doesn’t involve writing a bitchy post on my own blog.

Self sabotaging since 1993

I have done this all my life. I am brilliant at it – would almost call this an area of expertise. Every time I feel a hint of happiness, it doesn’t last long. I destroy it.
It has been on my mind for some time now. Why do I try to find reasons not to be happy? Why am I scared of happiness?
It usually goes like this: “Oh, this is a lovely day! I feel good. The world looks good. The food TASTES good. The people around me are awesome. Ahhh, what a wonderful life…
But. Wait. What about that random (not important) thing I was upset about last week? Was I really done being upset about that/ done thinking about it? Guess not. Well, then there is not really any point feeling happy now, is there? IS THERE? (Weird voice in my head being overly dramatic). We (me + weird voice in my head) obviously have some thinking to do so we can solve this problem and then be happy.”
Why postpone happiness like that? I think a lot of us out there have a very bad habit of sabotaging ourselves in the worst possible ways. We blame society for putting too much pressure on us. We blame the people around us for not treating us well, but really we just put this on ourselves, don’t we? (Please tell me i’m not alone on this!).
I think my life would be a lot easier if I could stop finding excuses not to be genuinely happy with my life, because really I am one lucky person! I am grateful for all the travelling I’ve done, all the people I’ve met, all the amazing photographs I have taken of the beautiful planet we have.
So why do I care about the past, about not feeling certain about what I’m doing with my life? It really shouldn’t keep me from feeling happy, should it?
I’ve come to realize that in the end I am my own worst enemy. A hit man with my own happiness as an eternal target. So how do I turn it around? Well, that’s a good question. If I have the true answer I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?
So far I’ve learned that meditation is helping a lot. Laughing is helping a lot too. Talking to people I care about is really important. When I keep busy with things I like, hopefully one day I will stop finding time to find those reasons not to be happy. And then just feel happy.

PS please don’t be freaked out by “Weird Voice in My Head” – Larry does not actually exist 😉

About accepting your body

There are 4 billion females on this earth and without any evidence I am still pretty certain about the fact that there is very few women out there without some kind of complex about themselves. I can’t help but wonder why we are doing this to ourselves. Why am I doing this to myself? Oh, the complexes…

I would say I am one of the lucky few that has called truce with my body (even though those words are not really allowed to say out loud). Yup, I don’t hate my body like I used to. I know it’s not perfect, but I have accepted that this is how I look. Heck, I can even name things that I actually like about it. Crazy, huh? You don’t hear that from many women. To be honest this happened sometime over the last few years without me really realizing. And this is an amazing thing to have happening for a woman in her 20’ies. I especially feel relieved because the body-battle is a battle on top of everything else I don’t have energy to fight. Because, trust me, I have another list of complexes to overcome, much more complicated than the usual “My-thighs-are-way-too-big” and “those-five-stretch-marks-are-so-ugly” (been there done that). I do have stretch marks. And cellulite. But my self worth is already screwed up without having to beat myself up for those “flaws” too. Heck, I’ve kinda just accepted that they are a part of me, like my own personal bar code 🙂
The point I am trying to make is, we all have enough problems in our lives without punishing ourselves for some superficial imperfections too. A lot of people could be a lot happier if they realised that perfection is kind of boring anyway. We don’t want people to love us despite our flaws, do we? We want people to love the flaws we have because that is part of what makes your bar code unique!
Sometimes the imperfections can be the most beautiful and special part of you. Maybe you don’t have to embrace your cellulite, but what about those cute freckles of yours? Or that gap between your teeth? Your weird-looking long fingers? It’s all just a part of you and I believe that if we start appreciating the little, odd things about each other we will all eventually get way more relaxed with how we look and realise nobody have to be perfect.